Day 207 – Filling the Well

Do yourself a favor and hang out with supportive writers outside of critique group. Talk politics, indulge each other in story telling. I did that tonight. It’s been awhile since the last time. It makes you realize how tired you get of yourself and the stories you tell. After awhile, you forget the stories you work on are interesting because they lose their novelty. It’s refreshing to see someone take interest and say wow so you remember there’s still life in it. Anyway, I need more of it, whatever the magic is that happened to night. Like people care and will continue to care about what I’ve got to say. As I settle in tonight, I feel at peace with writing. I haven’t felt this way in a long time.  

Day 205 – Planning

Why is planning for the future so much easier than living in the present? So much of my life has been  future oriented. It’s been about who I wanted to be rather than who I am. It’s like that for a lot of people I think. We’re raised that way. People ask kids what they want to be. Nobody asks kids who they are right now. They tell them what to think instead of asking them what’s on their mind. Personhood, from as long as I can remember, has always been something over there, something that is going to be, but never is. Planning is easy. Doing is hard. Doing is being. Being is owning up to who you are right now. No excuses. That’s what writing feels like everyday. I removed all excuses and showing up is still hard over 200 days in....

Day 204 – War

My body is at war with me. I received bad news about an illness I’ve been dealing with for years. My diet needs to be restricted again, stricter this time than last, to see if things can be improved. The 3 year old in me is screaming YOU’LL NEVER BE HAPPY EVER AGAIN WITHOUT YOUR WINE AND CHOCOLATE, which seems silly, but I believe her. That itself would be enough to stress me out, however, there’s more. I’m in conflict with one of the closest people in my life. The kind of conflict that clings to your bones no matter how much you try to distract yourself. All the should’ve saids and should’ve dones that will never be said or done play in your head so story can’t come in. Forgiveness is in order on both sides. I’m...

Day 203 – Vicious Cycle

Today sucked. My anxiety was sky high. I barely got any solid writing done, which makes me more anxious. If you trade your authenticity for safety, you may experience the following: anxiety, depression, eating disorders, addiction, rage, blame, resentment, and inexplicable grief. – Brene Brown Prompt:  Write about a forgotten path.

Day 202 – Writing Group

Writing groups are crucial to my well-being. It’s easy to isolate and get caught up in your own head when you’re working on a big project. That’s where I am, overwhelmed with the enormity of my memoir and the limited time I have to complete it. My inner critic is screaming CERTAIN FAILURE while my heart, in all it’s nervousness, putters along pleading please, please, please please. I wish I could say I went to writers group tonight because I wanted to. That isn’t so, I was filling in for the organizer tonight and had to go despite my resistance. My heart was only half into reading the work of the writers who so generously shared with us tonight and came away sorry for it. But I’m glad I went, after the meeting a few of us...