Day 239 – Meditation

So I started meditating. I started a couple days go because, like I said before, this memoir stuff beats the crap out of you. There are days I really regret embarking on this particular piece for a project that needed to move so quickly. And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that this is story I need to write before anything else. It won’t leave me alone. Scenes and dialogue intrude on every moment of my life and everyday I’m scared to write it, scared I won’t do it justice. And there are days like yesterday that writing it drops me so low showing up here is unbearable. Last night I hardly slept, I got up several times to jot down scenes and memories that kept reeling in my head. They’re hard to wrangle sometimes, all the memories, which is why I chose to start meditating, to slow them down, to capture them clearly and with peace of mind.

I watched a few videos online before purchasing a couple books about it. I’m starting small. Just five minutes twice a day. I haven’t felt a huge difference yet, just a tiny beginning of something I hope isn’t just placebo effect. It’s funny though. I always thought meditation was about controlling your thoughts, but it isn’t like that at all. Rather, it’s a freedom of thought. The less you try to control them, the quieter they get. It’s more of a practice of observance, an acknowledgment without judgment. Meditation is pretty much an undoing of years and years of religious training that taught me to watch my every thought and deed. My life was all should do or shouldn’t do, good or evil, going toward Christ or away. Absolutely nothing was benign because that’s where Satan would slip in and tempt you. It feels good though and I’m sorry that I came to meditation so late in life despite having read all the great research about it.

Rejection is an opportunity for your selection. – Bernard Branson

Prompt:  Write about what happens in stillness.

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